This is my story:
On a warm Saturday evening it seemed like there was nothing left.
My hope… well, it was nowhere to be found.
The depression was winning. I had nothing left in me.
For weeks, really it was years, leading up to this particular day I had been fighting many dark thoughts and feelings. I honestly don’t remember a day of truly feeling adequate or good enough. So much of my life had been a struggle to say the least.
This isn’t meant to be a post of my life’s difficulties. I merely trying to paint a picture of my mental state. (Is that even possible?)
So, this Saturday night everything came to head. The feelings of inadequacy. The anger. The self-loathing. The hopelessness. All of them crashed head on.
My thoughts began to run rampant. The voice inside of my head saying things like, “you’ve never been enough. No one has ever really wanted you. You always fail and ruin everything.”
I remember trying to ignore the thoughts at first. Then after a while I just sat down on the sofa and started accepting it.
Tears began to stream down my face. I don’t cry. I’m not a cryer. I’m very uncomfortable with emotions and tears. As the tears rolled I started speaking those things out loud.
“I’m not good enough. I never have been. I ruin everything good in my life.”
There had been a battle raging inside of me for many years and because of that I couldn’t think of a time when i truly knew peace. I don’t remember peace in my childhood. In fact, basically all that I do remember of my childhood is turmoil. It was much of the same for the majority of my adult life.
What is peace? What does it mean to know love?
Reality for me seemed to be rejection and pain.
I swear to you, every single person that I had ever trusted let me down. And because of this I let no one in.
There was not a single soul that knew what was going on in my mind. I played it cool. I wore the mask of “everything is awesome” so freaking well. I even had myself convinced. (If you tell a lie long enough even you start to believe it.)
As I said those things out loud I really started to buy into them and I thought to myself, “if I’ve never known peace, what’s the point of continuing?”
I looked up and I saw this large bottle of red wine that I purchased the day before. I was home alone. I got up from the sofa and walked over to the counter where the bottle of wine sat. I grabbed the wine and a glass and walked outside. I poured a glass and chugged it just as someone who just finished a run would chug water. I poured another and repeated the process.
It was then that i had worked up enough nerve to take the next step. I walked back inside to the bathroom and grabbed a bottle of Aleve. Once I had the bottle of pain killers I went back outside to the wine. I poured yet another glass. After one gulp I opened the bottle of Aleve and poured a large amount into the palm of my hand. I threw the handful of pills in my mouth and chased them with a giant swig of wine. I then continued to drink more wine at such a rapid pace that my stomach couldn’t contain it all. Within 25 minutes I had almost finished the entire large bottle of wine. It was the equivalent to two bottles. I could feel my stomach starting to tighten. Pain set in. At one point I guess my stomach could no longer contain everything and I projectile vomited everywhere. The inebriation had fully kicked in already though. My stomach was in such great pain and I couldn’t even stand up. I knew this was it. It was the end. I was able to send a couple of texts to some people saying I loved them. And then finally I passed out.
I woke to some friends looking for me after they had been alerted by a couple of people who I actually managed to text.
I remember laying there barely conscious stating over and over that I wanted to die.
Luckily for me they didn’t except that. They were unwilling to let that be my end.
I ended going to the hospital where I found out that my vomiting helped save my life along with the friends who found me. After being in the E.R. for 15 plus hours I was transferred to a different hospital where I was to be evaluated.
This was the lowest part of my life. I had no idea how I ended up at this point but the fact was that I did end up there. The first night I just sat on my bed and cried silently to myself.
After a few days i was discharged.
I write this so that you can know that this kind of thing, depression and suicide, doesn’t know boundaries. It’s real and can affect anyone and it does. Even those who seem like their life is awesome.
You see, I tried to do life completely alone. I wouldn’t let anyone in and I didn’t talk to anyone about my feelings or thoughts.
THIS IS SUCH AN UNHEALTHY WAY TO LIVE.
You can’t do it on your own. We aren’t meant to do it on our own either!
Please, learn from my story. Reach out to someone. Reach out to me if you want.
I’m here to tell you that You’re not alone. You are worth it. You have a purpose. You aren’t a screw up. You are wanted. You are valued. You are loved.
If you’re not dealing with these kinds of thoughts or this battle, I can promise you that someone you know is. Get to know people. Truly know people. love people. Invest in them. Give a crap!